Time
by cr0wznest
Summary: Brittany was all she needed, and even then it wasn't enough to save her. One Shot. Summary inside.


_**A/N:** I've __had this for a while, decided to publish it. Sorry for any mistakes._

_**Summary: **Times in which Brittany and Santana meet, fall in love and face the hardest moments of their life together.  
_

_**Trigger warning:** **Self harm.**_

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own Glee or it's characters.  
_

* * *

**_The last time_**

"Brittany?"

"Hmm?"

"Would you miss me if I died?"

"Don't talk like that San," The blonde demanded quietly.

"You would wouldn't you? Because you love me, you love me right B?" Santana asked anxiously.

"Ofcourse I love you," Brittany rolled over. "Despite everything you've done I'll always will."

"Our love will exist far beyond our death," Santana stated, staring deeply into Brittany's striking blue orbs.

/ /

"I have $4," Santana said.

"I've got $6," Brittany sighed.

"Alright I'll go." Santana took the blonde's change and walked to the front of the convience store.

"Santana," Brittany called. "If they know you're underage, just leave okay?" Santana nodded immediately before stepping into the store.

It was empty luckily, besides the clerk. He was eyeing the young brunette as she walked straight towards the counter.

"Packet of Marlboro reds," Santana stated more than asked.

The shop clerk squinted then huffed before turning to grab the chosen cigarette packet from the shelves.

Santana sighed in relief but all her hope was lost when the man gripped tightly on the cigarettes and hesitated to scan them.

"Identification," He said.

There were two options; leave without a hassle like Brittany said, or bring out the old Santana who always got what she wanted. As the frustration built inside her, Santana slammed her fist on the counter.

Clenching her jaw, she glared at the man.

"All I want is those damn cigarettes and if I don't get them from you, I'll get them from some other cunt, so hand them over if you want your business to stay afloat!" Santana hissed through gritted teeth.

Brittany heard the sound of Santana's growls from outside and instantly rushed into the store.

"San, stop, let's go!" She said. She grabbed the brunette's arm and sent an apologetic look towards the shop clerk.

"Am I the only one that gets shitted on in this fucked up world," Santana growled as she speed walked down the street to her home.

"No," Brittany breathed, trying to keep up with the brunette. "I'm covered in shit from time to time."

Santana stopped upon hearing the blonde's words and turned to face her. She stepped forward, cupped Brittany's cheeks gently and said, "You're everything that is beautiful in this miserable world."

/ /

They were laying upon Brittany's bed as the sun set in Lima. Santana's finger traced circles over Brittany's torso, while the blonde had her eyes closed.

"Your stomach's my favourite," Santana said, leaning over to place a delicate kiss on the blonde's torso.

Brittany giggled and tensed under the brunette's touch. She momentarily opened her eyes before closing them again and relaxing.

"You make me so wet B, just by lying there. I imagine all the things I'd do to your body to make you feel pleasure," Santana admitted, causing the blonde to open her eyes and tilt her head to face the brunette.

"Yeah?" She asked, her mouth slowly turning upwards into a grin.

"Mhmm," Santana replied softly, rubbing her lips together.

"You can do anything to me you know that," Brittany reminds the brunette who smirks.

With that said, Santana crawls up the blonde's body, capturing those lips she adores and dreams about. She gently rakes her fingers through blonde hair that smells of vanilla and strawberries.

Brittany's tongue darts in and out of Santana's mouth, creating a pleasurable rhythm. Their deepening kiss drowns out the rest of the world and for several moments they get lost in each others touch.

Brittany pushes Santana back onto the bed so that she can straddle her. With her knees on either side of the brunette's hips, Brittany begins to rock her hips back and forth. Santana grunts and her breathing becomes ragged after a minute or two of heavy thrusting.

"Fuck, Brittany," Santana moans out and the blonde can't help but shudder at the tone Santana says her name in.

/ /

It's almost midnight and Brittany's fast asleep. Santana finds herself wide awake and staring at the ceiling. She remembers she didn't take her medication because of the heated love making her and Brittany were caught up in only an hour before. In a haste Santana hops out of bed and enters the bathroom.

She opens the cupboard but not before staring into the mirror. She pulls down at the skin under her eyes, hoping that her bags will just disappear. After sighing heavily, she grabs the little bottle of pills and drops one in her hand.

She leans down in the sink to encompass the tap with her lips. Nothing will make her fall asleep for another few hours and she doesn't want to wake up Brittany.

Instead she leaves the room, then after a while leaves her house after putting on her ugg boots. She ends up wandering further and further down the street toward the convenience store she and Brittany were at earlier.

She had gotten cigarettes here so easily before when it was a different owner.

The lights are off but that doesn't stop Santana from grabbing the nearest heavy object and throwing it through the glass door. The loud crash erupts some nearby pets and they bark loudly for several minutes.

Santana enters the store, unaware of what her actual plan is. She's been so good until now. She hadn't gotten into trouble, she'd proven herself to Brittany. Something must've snapped within her today and she became tired of being told no.

With one whoosh of her arms, packets of assorted sweets and chips are thrown across the room.

It's not long before half of the store is trashed. It's also not long after that when Santana hears sirens. Then shortly after that she's being hawled into a police car and taken into custody.

Her doctor is present. Brittany is present. Her mother is present.

Santana's there, but she's not there. No one's really there to her either, they seem unreal.

"You're unhealthy." She hears.

"You're unwell." Another voice says.

Before she can even tilt her head she's being taken into a van. Out of the window she sees the figure of the blonde girl she adores. The girl that has help her through the darkest of times.

But now, for some odd reason, Santana feels that Brittany no longer can help her. And she doesn't want to disappoint her anymore.

* * *

_**The first time ever I saw your face**_

Brittany keeps to herself most of the time. She doodles love hearts and other small pictures on her desk while her teacher blabs on about something irrelevant.

She's learnt to convince everyone that she doesn't notice people or their actions. She's learnt to be seen as the stupid blonde that can hardly look after herself. What everyone doesn't know is that Brittany is smarter than she seems.

While in her last class for the day she hears the door creak open after everyones settled in their seats. She cocks her head up and notices a flash of chocolate brown hair moving towards the teachers desk.

At first Brittany shrugs it off. It's probably a new student that will, like every other student, ignore her. But then Brittany sees the girl come toward her and sit beside her. She looks over and is met with dark, mocha eyes. The girl smirks and Brittany smiles kindly at her.

She then continues doodling on her desk until a voice echoes in her ear.

"Hey beautiful."

Brittany twists her head to see the brunette girl eyeing her curiously. Brittany feels her cheeks warm up at the girl's compliment but doesn't think too much of it. All the boys would use words like; gorgeous and beautiful just to get into her pants.

But this was a girl. A very pretty girl. Brittany didn't know how to deal with this.

"Hello," She mumbles quietly.

"Nice drawings," The girl says and Brittany can hear genuine meaning to the girls words.

"Thank you," Brittany replies, staring down at her 'nice' drawings.

"What's your name gorgeous?"

Sigh. Another compliment.

"Brittany," The blonde replies shyly, tugging a stand of hair between her fingers.

"I'm Santana," The girl sighs. "I'm new here."

Brittany turns in her chair to face the girl a bit more. "Cool," She replies simply.

Santana claws her fingernails into her jeans as she studies the blonde infront of her. Brittany grows nervous under the girls intense gaze, but also feels extremely humble.

It feels nice to be really looked at.

"Alright I'm letting you out early today if you do the task written on the board," The teacher explains.

Brittany studies the board, pouts, then opens her notebook.

"Something the matter?" Santana asks, noticing the girls worried expression.

"I don't understand what's on the board," Brittany admits bluntly.

"Do you need help?" Santana offers, shifting her chair closer to the blonde's desk.

Brittany studies the close distance between them. Their legs only inches away from touching distance. She then gazes into Santana's eyes and nods.

"Sure," She replies with a toothy grin.

/ /

Brittany doesn't see Santana after class. She wants to look for her and thank her for the help she provided during class.

She arrives at her locker, placing away all of her books and then heads out towards the car park. Forgetting where she parked her car, she clicks the unlock button on her keys and sees a flash to her left. She heads in that direction until she hears a smash.

By the field, she sees Santana standing by a broken bottle. The brunette looks distressed but Brittany approaches her anyway.

Just as she's getting close, she feels an arm pull her away.

"Don't go over there," Her friend Quinn warns.

"What, why?" Brittany asks, growing confused.

"I heard she's bad news. Like violent and needy and just completely fucked up," Quinn explains.

"She was nice to me in class," Brittany replies, trying to sound confident.

"Yeah well, girls like her are able to put on a disguise."

"Girls like her?" Brittany questions.

Quinn leans in close to Brittany's ear. "She's from Lima Heights Adjacent."

Brittany peeks behind the wall her and Quinn are hiding behind and sees Santana pull out a cigarette.

"C'mon, you can come over to my house to study," Quinn orders, pulling Brittany by the hand towards her car.

As they head for the vehicle, Brittany's eyes are locked on the broken brunette just a few metres away. Santana hears footsteps and looks up, capturing the blonde's gaze.

She noticably swallows hard, before kicking at the broken glass beneathe her feet. Then as Brittany hops into the drivers seat, she stares into the mirror and notices Santana still looking in her direction.

The brunette raises her hand, curling the tops of her fingers over. Brittany doesn't know whether to wave back. Is she really as bad as Quinn says she is?

Brittany leaves Quinn's at 6 as it's getting dark. She begins to drive around aimlessly, not wanting to return home just yet.

She turns into a street where she remembers a park being. Exiting her car, Brittany bolts towards the swing set. While swinging she feels the cool air against her vanilla skin. Without paying attention to her surroundings, Brittany continues to fly higher and higher.

"Brittany?" The blonde begins to slow the swing down at the sound of her name.

She sees a figure of a girl standing by a tree. As soon as Brittany stops the swing, she hops off and approaches the voice.

"Santana," Brittany breathes. "What are you doing here?"

The brunette scoffs and crosses her arms. "Aren't I allowed to wander in the park alone?"

"N-no," Brittany stutters, digging her shoe in the dirt. "Sorry that was rude of me."

"Don't apologise gorgeous," Santana replies.

Brittany simply nods, enchanted by how a simple word can have such an effect on her. She then steps towards Santana and leans against the tree trunk.

"Quinn told me to stay away from you," Brittany confesses.

Santana breathes out a laugh, then rubs her palm against her forehead.

"That's probably a good idea," She says.

"But you're nice to me," Brittany says, furrowing her eyebrows.

Santana thinks the blonde's expression is adorable and she's lost in thought for a moment. She then shakes her head and faces the blonde, leaning against the tree aswell.

"Because you're different," Santana says simply.

"How do you know, it hasn't even been a whole day yet?"

"Well, I have studied most of the students at Mckinley and none have showed me that genuine look of curiousity you have. They all judge me straight off the bat without wondering what I might be like. But you wonder, and I like that," Santana explains.

"Are you flirting with me Santana?" The blonde deadpans.

Santana lets out a hearty laugh before inhaling through her nose deeply.

"You don't miss a thing do you?" When she doesn't receive a respond Santana sighs. "I was being honest and if it sounded like flirting then I won't apologize for it."

"Don't," Brittany replies fast. "Don't apologize for it. Because I know that you meant it," She adds, showing a sincere smile.

Santana nods, lost in the blondes heart felt smile that could melt titanium.

"Would you like to come over to my house tomorrow Santana?"

"I would," Santana breathes.

/ /

Brittany returns home, smiling childishly to herself that she's made a new friend. A very pretty, very lovely friend whom she hopes she'll be able to keep forever. She plucks her pajamas out of the drawer and dresses into them before hopping in bed. Instantly she falls asleep and cuddles up to her unicorn plush toy.

Santana sits at the park long after Brittany leaves. She doesn't want to return home after the fight her parents had with her. They found her stash, they saw the bloody razors and couldn't handle her attitude anymore.

Finally after much debating with herself, Santana returns home to a quiet house. She scurries upstairs, sits on her bed and stares blanky at the wall infront of her. She then pulls off her jeans and studies the cuts just below her waist. The bloods dried but that isn't what Santana's concerned about. If Brittany were to ever find out about any of the things she does, she's afraid she'll lose her. Yes. After one long day involving the angelic blonde, Santana realizes that she's irrevocably in love with her.

* * *

_**The first time ever I kissed your mouth **_

Throughout the day Santana and Brittany steal glances at one another during the classes they share. Even at lunch, Brittany can't seem to focus on her food. She can see from a distance, Santana licking her lips seductively and the blonde almost chokes on her food.

She hasn't told Quinn of her friendship with the brunette, if you can even call it that. Brittany doesn't want to seem weird and actually ask Santana straight out if she wants to be friends. In her heart though, she can sense that Santana already considers her a friend.

Suddenly a splat breaks the girls from their staring contest. All the students eyes divert to the entrance to the cafeteria where they see one of the jocks looking aggitated. He then grabs a wad of spaghetti in his hand and flings it toward of group of nerds, crouching behind their table.

"Food fight!" Is echoed through the cafeteria and everyone begins throwing trays of food across the room.

Santana sinks into protective mode; not for herself, for Brittany. She slides passed the students, trying her best not to get hit. Brittany notices Santana running for her and reaches out her hand. The brunette grabs it and they run to the back of the room. Santana turns a table over for protection and they rest their backs against it, breaths becoming ragged.

"I should really quit smoking," Santana laughs.

Brittany looks over at the girl, unsure whether she's serious or not. She raises her eyebrows and Santana rolls her eyes and smirks. The brunette then feels a sting on her thigh and hisses in pain.

"What is it?" Brittany asks desperately.

"N-nothing," Santana mutters, realizing the source of her pain. Vinegar or something salty must have been flung in her direction because her cuts are stinging.

The pain subsides after a short while and Brittany begins to stand up. Instantly she's hit in the face with a handful of tots. Potato runs down her cheeks and nose and she looks at Santana wide eyed.

The brunette is about to stand up and find the culprit when she sees Brittany pout. Damn that pout.

"Please don't pout Brittany," Santana whispers, lifting the blonde's chin up with her fingers.

They lock eyes and Santana wipes the pad of her thumb across the blonde's chin. Then trails her fingers up Brittany's cheek, wiping her face clean of the food.

Their lips are parted slightly, eyes still connected. Santana doesn't react differently to what her heart is telling her to do. She listens to it for once and takes the plunge.

Brittany notices the brunette edging closer to her and can't seem to push herself away.

As their lips connect, the room falls silent. The sound of Santana's tongue entering between Brittany's lips and the soft moan eliciting from the blonde's mouth is all that's audible.

When they break the kiss, Brittany leans back with her eyes still shut.

"Still want me to come over tonight?" Santana whispers, resting her forehead against Brittany's.

"I want you," Brittany gulps. "To sleep over."

Santana pulls back, finding that the distance hurts. She then hears the laughter and screams of the other students die down and lifts Brittany to her feet.

They walk out of the cafeteria together, paying no attention to anyone else.

* * *

_**The first time ever I lay with you**_

Upon the arrival at Brittany's house, the girls remain silent.

Santana begins to think about the possibilities of sleeping over and they make her insides flutter. But she can't help but feel like she's pushing Brittany. It was the blonde's decision, but Santana feels as though they're moving too fast.

Her skin begins to heat up and she untangles her fingers with Brittany's.

"Uh, I just remembered I have to go home and pick up an over night bag, I'll be back soon," Santana says, closing the door behind her.

She catches the bus home, knowing that it's going to take longer than 'soon' to return to Brittany's.

She can't help but feel like she's forcing Brittany to be intimate, even though there was no innuendo from the blonde that makes her think that they'll be having sex.

Santana kissed her. She started this, she fell in love. With all the emotions erupting in her heart and the blood burning under her skin, she enters the bathroom and locks the door.

She breaks apart her shaver until she manages to hold one thin blade between her fingers. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, she turns on the cold water and places one leg over the side.

The freezing cold water numbs her for a second and she begins to slice away the pain slowly, so she can really feel it.

After cleaning herself up, she gathers some clothes into a backpack and heads down the hall toward the front door.

She hears footsteps, they're coming quick. She then sees a flash of a figure which throws her against a table, smashing the vase ontop of it into a million little pieces which resemble diamonds.

"Fuck!" Santana hisses when she reaches her hand up to her forehead.

Blood trickles down and she sees the outline of her mother pointing to her and then towards the door.

The only place she knows to go is Brittany's, but she doesn't want to give the girl all of her problems. Without another choice, Santana heads to bus stop in the direction of Brittany's house.

/ /

Brittany's cooking pizza in the oven when she hears a knock on the door. Santana had been gone for two and a half hours and Brittany was wondering if the girl had had second thoughts.

Then as she opens the door, she gasps in horror at the sight of the girl before her. She looks broken, distraught; nothing like the girl Brittany saw earlier.

Santana steps into Brittany's house, throws her back pack on the floor and slides down the wall. She rests the palms of her hands against her face, covering her tears.

Brittany kneels down infront of her and tries to look Santana in the eyes.

"Please," Brittany whispers.

And that's enough to make Santana give up the world for Brittany. She stares deeply into the cerulean orbs infront of her and is helped to her feet.

"I'm going to run a bath for you."

"No," Santana replies instantly. All that comes to her mind when she hears the word bath is blood. Dark, gluggy, crimson blood.

Brittany nods without asking questions and leads the girl upstairs. They enter Brittany's bedroom and Santana surveys her surroundings. She can't help but adore the fresh smell of the blonde's room and the tidyness.

Brittany unzips Santana's back pack, pulls a change of clothes out for her, then leads her to the bathroom. She turns the hot water in the shower on, then the cold and waits until it gets warm.

Santana begins to shiver and can't wait to feel the hot water against her skin. She decides to strip her clothing off even though Brittany's still in the room.

The blonde then turns around and is met with a half naked brunette. She instinctively eyes the tanned girls body and her lip quivers. Santana seems to be clutching her clothing against her thighs, but the blonde doesn't ask why.

"We're friends so..." Santana trails off.

Brittany nods, understanding exactly what Santana means. Friends can get undressed infront of eachother without it being awkward. In a way it's comfortable, so Brittany steps aside, allowing Santana into the shower. She removes her bra and underwear, making sure to face away from Brittany.

Brittany heads to the sink to brush her teeth. She tries not to look in the mirror because she knows she'll see the brunette in all her naked glory.

But there's an invisible string attatched to the top of her head that's pulling it up. She sees the girls ass and immediately looks away. She giggles to herself, then realizes that what Santana's been through is no laughing matter.

The steam in the shower makes it hard for Brittany to see the full figure of Santana so she heads for the door.

"Brittany, can you hand me a towel?" Santana asks, causing the blonde to stop.

Brittany turns and makes her way beside the shower where a fresh towel is resting. She opens the shower door slightly, only to be met with blinding steam and a hand pulling her inside.

Santana giggles as she wraps her arms around Brittany's fully clothed body. Suddenly the thought of asking Santana what happened to her and the fact she's wearing clothes in a shower disappears from her mind.

All she can see and feel is the beautiful naked girl pressed against her. Santana makes sure there's enough distance between their bodies so that she can really look at Brittany. She raises a hand, tucking a stray locke of blonde hair behind Brittany's ear.

She then leans up, tilting her head to side slightly and captures those pink lips with her own. Brittany reciprocates the kiss and slowly guides Santana towards the wall.

Santana grunts when her back hits the wall but her lips never leave Brittany's. The blonde slides her fingers up and down Santana's waist, urging the girl to make another sound. Brittany's fallen in love with Santana's moans.

After several minutes of intense kissing, Brittany pulls back with a pop and steps out of the shower without another word.

She grabs a towel and heads toward her bedroom to change. She then hears the water get turned off and sits on her bed, waiting for the brunette to appear.

The door creaks open and Santana steps out with a towel wrapped around her and one drying her hair.

"Hi," She says smiling.

"Hi," Brittany breathes, staring adoringly at the girl.

Santana was once again the one that instegated the heated make out session in the shower. She's the one that pulled Brittany in with her. The blonde didn't step in voluntarily.

Just as Santana is about to mentally punish herself, she sees the blonde stand up and stalk towards her. Brittany wraps her arms around the brunette's neck and Santana wraps her arms around the blonde's waist.

"I'm glad you're here," Brittany whispers against the brunette's exposed shoulder.

They head downstairs and Santana smells something delicious in the kitchen. Brittany knows if they had stayed in the shower any longer the pizza would have burnt, but luckily it looks and smells perfect.

She sets out two plates on the counter and Santana sits on the bar stool. She can't help but let her eyes wonder down to Brittany's extremely squeezable ass. Brittany then turns swiftly, catching the brunette's leering.

She smirks and Santana cowers her head.

"Mind if I smoke?" Santana asks suddenly.

Brittany knows her mother doesn't allow smoking in the house, nor she does she condone drinking. But Brittany has experimented in both so she can't judge.

With a quick nod, Santana lights up her cigarette and stretches her legs out on the couch. The easy going attitude of Santana is strangely arousing to the blonde.

She carries two plates full of pizza and places them on the coffee table infront of the brunette. Santana smiles thankfully at the blonde before pulling her down on the couch and cuddling into her.

"Where can I ash, baby?" She whispers seductively.

Brittany giggles and nudges the brunette away. Santana then cuddles closer, placing her cigarette in an empty bowl on the table.

They sit like that for a while, then realize their pizza's are getting cold. Brittany pulls a slice from the plate and cranes her neck to face Santana. She places the corner of the pizza to the brunette's mouth and Santana bites down hard on it.

Brittany then bites from the same place, before putting the pizza down and turning to face the brunette fully.

"What's up gorgeous?" Santana asks.

Brittany's fingers trace the outline of a bruise on Santana's forhead and a small cut just above her eyebrow. She then lingers her fingers over those full, plump lips of Santana's.

"What happened? Who hurt you?"

"I hurt myself," Santana lies. But in her heart she knows it isn't really a lie. She does hurt herself, physically and mentally. Her mother only adds to the pain.

Brittany sinks her head down, leaning into Santana's chest. The two embrace eachother until it gets late.

The un eaten pizza still rests on the coffee table. Santana's been staring at a sleeping Brittany for half an hour now. She decides that the blonde must feel uncomfortable so she carefully lifts Brittany up and carries her upstairs to her bedroom.

There are a few audible groans from the blonde, but she still stays asleep. Santana places the blonde down on the bed carefully. She then makes a move to the bathroom to clear her thoughts. She had never been in this position before; caring for another person.

She pulls out a cigarette and sits on the edge of the bath. She carefully lights it up and lets her mind wander to better days. Like the day she first walked into that class. That beautiful smile she saw on Brittany's face when they began talking. A stray tear falls down Santana's cheek and she lets it, just this once. She's not afraid to cry.

* * *

_**The first time**_

For the past week, the girls have become much closer than they thought possible. Spending nights at eachothers house and flirty glances in the hall where everyone can see. Santana gives Brittany the strength not to care.

Santana found it hard at first to reveal all to Brittany. Well mostly all of her issues, especially to do with her parents.

_"They can't do that to you!" Brittany yells, slamming her fist on the bench._

_"Well, they do and I've dealt with it, so don't worry, please," Santana replies, cupping the girls cheeks. _

_"You don't deserve to be hurt San," Brittany whispers, stray tears falling down her cheeks. _

_"But I do." And with that Santana walks away. _

_She continues to be a mystery to the blonde, always leaving a conversation wide open. _

Brittany's at her locker when she hears footsteps close in behind her. Before she can turn around, Santana grabs her by the waist and kisses down her neck.

"Santana," Brittany whimpers, closing her eyes.

The blonde's voice, especially when saying her name, is enough to make Santana weak at the knees. She turns the blonde around in one swift movement, then slams her back against the lockers.

Brittany hisses, but enjoys the brunette's roughness for some reason. Santana kisses Brittany with pure passion and longing and the blonde returns it as best as she can.

Santana greedily sucks on the blonde's bottom lip, then feels Brittany nip on her own. The brunette's hands squeeze Brittany's thighs until she's lifted off the ground.

By this time, the students of Mckinley are looking on in complete shock. But the girls don't even stop to take a breath.

Finally they hear a man clear his throat and Santana places Brittany's feet back on the ground. They turn to see the source of their interruption and are met with the stern look of the principle.

The girls just giggle, entwine their hands and run out of the school.

They make it to Brittany's house and stand outside on the balcony. Santana lights a cigarette up as Brittany leans against the railing.

"Puff?" Santana asks, smirking and creeping closer to the blonde.

Brittany's shy smile turns into a grin and she snatches the cigarette away. She then takes a long, admirable drag which impresses the brunette.

Surprisingly she doesn't even choke afterwards. She exhales the smoke like a pro, then stares out at the crystal blue sky.

Santana excuses herself for a moment, handing Brittany the cigarette and runs inside. Brittany feels herself become light headed and slumps to the floor. She then notices tiny green grass like pieces fall from the cigarette. The smell of the cigarette suddenly kicks in and the blonde realises exactly what she's smoking.

She throws the cigarette over the balcony and stomps inside, trying to maintain her balance even though it feels like the room is spinning.

"Santana!" She yells, but immediately stops when she's sees just what the brunette is doing in the bathroom.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

The blood falls freely down the side of the brunette's thigh and she doesn't try to hide it. She just cowers her head and hopes Brittany will be able to look at her normally still.

"You need help," Brittany says after she cleans Santana up. They're sitting on the blonde's bed, holding eachother.

Santana feels like the luckiest girl in the world. She's never had a person that accepted her for her flaws.

"I know, will you help me Brittany?" Santana pleads.

"Ofcourse," The blonde whispers.

She forgets completely about the fact that she's high as it starts to wear off a little. Santana then pulls out another joint, masked as a cigarette and Brittany allows her to smoke it. She can't help but feel for her and allow her to make her own decisions even if it kills her inside.

"Puff?" Brittany nods and takes the joint from Santana.

They go back and forth until their voices become barely audible to eachother. Heads are bobbing in odd ways and Brittany finds herself lying in a strange position on the floor.

Santana is sitting with her head down on the bed. Her eyes are closed, until she feels hands glide up her legs.

Brittany has a seductive look in her eyes and Santana can't help but lick her lips in anticipation.

"We shouldn't," Santana suddenly says. "Not like this."

Brittany disregards the girls words and kneels behind her. She rubs her hands up the brunette's stomach and breasts, awaiting to hear Santana moan.

"S-stop," Santana pleads, but she secretly wants the blonde to continue.

Brittany sucks on the brunette's neck, causing Santana to hiss. She then unzips the girls pants, allowing her hand to slide in her underwear and feel the growing wetness beneathe.

"Brittany st-Fuck!" Santana yells when she feels a finger tease her folds.

"You want me," Brittany breathes. Santana can't deny it. There's this pull Brittany has on her, she's like a magnet. She can't help but adore her and love her and feel every emotion for this girl all at once. She doesn't want it to stop, she never wants to stop feeling. As long as Brittany's here then she'll feel everything, forever.

* * *

_**The very last time **_

She had been in a holding cell for 24 hours. No human contact, not even a call from Brittany. Santana became anxious fast, but did well in hiding her emotions. The police officers would shake their head in disgust, knowing Santana's history well.

The brunette didn't let that get to her though, all that mattered was Brittany. The blonde's opinion mattered the most.

Within a few days Santana found herself out of jail and in an institute. She had to learn to help herself get through this because no one else would. She managed to call Brittany and learnt that the blonde wouldn't step foot out of her room.

_"I'm so sorry," Santana wept into the phone._

_"I believe that you can get better, but I've tried helping you Santana," The blonde sighed. "Now you have to help yourself. It's the only way."_

_"I know Britt. Just know that I'll never stop loving you, no matter what happens." _

It was medication time and Santana noticed that some men were working on a glitch in the lighting. There were long cords stretching throughout the cafeteria.

/ /

Brittany brushed her hair as she stared blanky in the mirror. She hadn't bothered to take care of herself for the past few days. She just didn't have the strength until now.

She was visiting Santana today. She hoped her girlfriend would feel a little better with her there to comfort her.

Her mother called her downstairs and she ran down and hopped in the car. The drive was shorter than expected and Brittany had to gather her strength to get out of the car.

When she did, she was met with a few doctors that lead her in the direction of Santana's room.

Suddenly, they were stopped but one of the ward officers.

"You can't visit Santana today," She said.

"What? Why not?" Brittany exclaimed.

"She um," The officer began, her voice cracking. "She's not there anymore."

And that's all it took for Brittany to realise what exactly the woman was trying to say. Instantly tears pooled in her eyes and she fell to her knees. Her mother wrapped her arms around her, trying her best to console the blonde.

Then Brittany shrugged her off and made a bee line to Santana's room. There were officers surrounding the door with their back turned to the blonde.

So Brittany peeked through a crack in the door and saw her girlfriends feet hovering off the ground.

It was surreal and Brittany didn't want to believe what she was seeing. The girl that changed her life was now left without one.

"You can't be here sweetheart," One of the officers said. But his voice was barely audible.

Flashbacks of when Santana and Brittany were together shot through the blonde's mind. When they were high together, when they first made love, when they met in the class room.

Brittany finally found the strength to walk away, but not before whispering "I'll always love you too."

* * *

**_The first time without you_**

"I'm going for a drive."

"Do you want company?"

"No."

She left in a haste. Like a small,insignificant fire being instantly put out like a fresh bucket of cold water.

Grabbing her keys and swiftly putting them in the ignition, she started the car. She didn't need to take easy breaths, because she felt like because Santana was gone, her air left with her.

She backed up out of the drive way and raced down the road. She honestly did not care of the speed she was driving at. She wanted, no needed, to get away from everything. Everything that reminded her of the love of her life.

In less than 20 minutes she was driving down a dirt road. Trees rapidly passing by her window but she payed no mind to them.

Her eyes glued to the road in front of her. Every flash of brunette hair and chocolate brown eyes making her pshysically and emotionally sick. It had been only 2 months and she was not dealing with it in a rational way. You would probably act the same if your best friend, your lover, died.

Her love was purposeful and meaningful. She knew that. That was the only thing in her life she was sure of.

There were a few bumps along the road, but she payed no mind to them. Her face emotionless and peaceful. She let the wind whip her hair around dramatically.

She wanted to be taken away by the sun light and the lonely roads.

She needed to forget and move on. It would be the hardest thing she ever had to do.

After several minutes she pulled over. Leaving the car unlocked, she walked towards a clearing. As she looked down she saw the waves crash against eachother like a brawl at a pub. It was calming, soothing. She felt at peace for the first time in her life.

Reaching out her hand to the left side of her body, she then clenched her fist. She imagined Santana entwining her fingers with her own and closed her eyes.

Playing in her mind were the days they would lye in bed all day and forget the world.

She stepped forward with her eyes still glued shut. There was no fear in her mind, no pain in her heart. Only hope that she would be with the love of her life again.

Opening her eyes finally, she rushed forawd and leapt of the cliff. She wrapped her arms around her body, preparing for the drop below. It happened so fast she could barely think of the consequences.

She didn't care.

The water was deep and warm against her skin. Bubbles surrounding her at every turn. She opened her eyes desperate to see Santana in front of her or beside her.

When she wasn't there, Brittany surfaced dissapointed.

"I'm lost San," She whispered to the sky. When she was no answer, Brittany built up the courage to return home. She knew Santana would've wanted to spend a long and happy life with her, now she was going to have to make her proud.

* * *

_**Thank you for reading :) **_


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